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Thursday, January 1, 2009
I just watched "Gandhi" again and was googling the closing quote and found this blog
http://goodnessgraciousness.blogspot.com/2007/01/truth-will-always-win-mahatma-gandhi.html
which reminded me of my kids watching the news at their grandparents house over christmas weekend, being stunned at all the death and destruction going on in the world (we don't get the tv news, or any tv for that matter, at our house. (just seasons and seasons of this and that on dvd.) and my son said their should be a channel devoted to just good news. i thought that was an excellent idea. which reminds of an old friend randy jackson who started every phone conversation with "what's the good word" which left no room for whining. i miss randy jackson.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
I went because I wanted to lay eyes (and ears) on the not so new anymore, but new to me, Pastor Ryan Bell at the Hollywood SDA church. I thougt maybe, just maybe, he could be the person, finally, or a guide on that path, to my hashing out the "Why I'm not an Adventist" thing (see Bertrand Russell) with. Because if I could get even just a little bit closer to reconciling the faith of my childhood with some present intellectual honesty, I would be that much closer to heaven. I think.
So I don't know. But Amoeba was around the corner, so I stopped by, yes, broke Sabbath, and bought me an Ella Fitzgerald album of Christmas carols, and hymns. Yup. Abide with me. What a friend we have in Jesus. even Church in the Wildwood. Thinking back, maybe I didn't find my person to hash it out with just yet, but I did get a little closer to heaven, didn't I, cuz Ella Fitzgerald singing hymns is a reconciling of a kind.
Faith.
Once you have it, there's no letting go.
It's all the intellectual stuff, and the rawness of everyday life, the forces the faith to root itself in something real.
I just recently learned from my son that a youth pastor (at a non-adventist church) said to him that he really needed to accept the fact that his dad is burning in hell right now. Okay, to be fair, Adventism doesn't accept that. The Adventist pastor who spoke at the funeral found an in to get him to heaven, but it was shaky at best. I don't know that the purpose of theology is to test your faith as much as it ought to buttress it, but from where I'm standing, it's a real quandry.
Its strange to have to admit this, but the homosexuality thing is what really does it in for me in terms of evangelicalism. Sometimes I think I must be just queer enough to be motivated to rebel on this issue, but I think its really about self-acceptance and how I simply can't believe that God would create people with such a harmless yet fatal flaw.
So that's where Ryan Bell caught my attention. Where with his "adventists against prop 8" thing and all. But I find that I don't just tolerate same sex marraiges, I celebrate them as I would celebrate any deep committment between two people.
And then of course there's the Recovery community, where it seemed pretty obvious to me that you don't have to be an evangelical to be saved.
It really bothers me that the even the evangelicals who seem inspired still tend to argue the bible as if non-evangelicals are atheists.
I was heartened by what I learned while googling about a man named Cizik. I want to have the courage that I perceive him as having. What little I know...it seems like courage to me. Its as important, I think, to stick to one's guns as it is to be moved.
http://www.onenewsnow.com/Church/Default.aspx?id=350822
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
So much of ourselves is hidden in polite society.
[that first line was here already...where did that come from?]
This morning on my walk to work I had one of those thoughts that reminded me that I used to have a lot of thoughts like that. Thoughts that had a good chance of being grabbed out of the ether and penned and mulled over, then allowed to shine their light or cast their shadow on my awareness of my movement in the world.
[Speaking of awareness an movement, heard an amazing SOF podcast of Seane Corn. Must do yoga.]
The thought was something about how some people seem to thrive on discussion. Conversation, argument. Some people are almost like those little kids who have to tell their mother everything, with an urgency that if it isn’t said it didn’t really happen. Like juicy gossip, that you must cash in on knowing by repeating the story to another human being before anyone else. I think I’m more the writer. If I don’t write about it, then maybe, it fades like every dream upon waking. They say writers have to live things twice, once, while its happening, and the second time as they write about it. If I tell someone first, they’ll have an opinion. Their reaction will color my experience and memory of it. I have to write about it before its contaminated. And once solid in private world, my own nuanced reaction to all the parts of it are memorialized, then I can talk about it. Then I can say “what do you think?” without losing myself in someone else’s perspective.
Yes, I do have difficulty staying grounded in my own experience, if that’s what you were wondering. Yes the voices around me are loud. Even body language screams at me. I love the world a buzz around me, indifferent but not unfriendly. That is why I love the anonymous bustle of city life.
I think the thought I had this morning was about letting go of the rightness or wrongness of things. Or the goodness or badness of people. Something along those lines, but I can’t remember. Not giving up value judgments to the point of losing the appreciation of wisdom...oh yeah, it was about really taking the time to see something for what it is, setting aside the judgments so that you can look more completely, more objectively, yes, but most importantly, more thoroughly.
You cannot truly solve a problem if you cannot see it for what it is. I hope, at this moment, that I can live like that. That I can give space around others for them to exist first, before being compelled to express my opinion about their value in my world. And I mean that, in every way, from quelling road rage, to brown nosing authority figures or fawning celebrities.
Maybe it was that homeless guy who stood next to me at the bus stop. He was asking for change and yelling at people, and in between he was being nice to me, asking me if I needed to sit down, or lean my bike somewhere so I’d be more comfortable, if I wanted a smoke...He never asked me for change. Truth is I wouldn’t have given him any. I gave him the same thing he gave me, space yet proximity. Company with no judgments or strings whatsoever. For some reason I need that. I am weighed down by people’s judgments of each other. Not that I don’t rail, on a fairly constant basis, about one person’s twitch or another’s propensities that I’ve allowed drive me to distraction. But I need that “namaste”. I just need God in me, seeing God in you.
So, it probably was Seane Corn.and about us being here to learn what love is..
Saturday, November 10, 2007
(had a good cry as I listened to this song this morning)
Head over here and take me
Head over heels and aching
When I told you I was yours
I was yours
In this life, you’re the one place I call home
In this life, you’re the feeling I belong
In this life, you’re the flower and the thorn
You’re everything that’s fair in love and war
I’m coming down like a gunshot
In all these battles I’ve fought
You’re the mark I’m aiming for
I was yours
Head over heels
In this life I’m stubborn to the core
In this life I’ve been burning after more
We both know what these open arms are for
You’re everything that’s fair
In this life, you’re my only one
*Funny thing...Mia said friends at school say "Switchfoot's sappy, how could you be that in love with a girl?" and she thinks to herself, "Uh, he's talking about God." And its true, because as I listened to the song this morning, after overthinking about a guy who might be like me, but who probably isn't the one, I remembered that there is a love that is complete, and so we don't need to despair of the incompleteness of what we human beings try to be for each other.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
I'm hoping someone can tell me *why* Henry Miller gave his books the titles of "Tropic of Cancer" and "Tropic of Capricorn"
Friday, May 11, 2007
i've made a journey of pursuing the right notebook/planner/calendar...
my latest obssession is a stack of moleskine notebooks waiting to be filled, but I need something that will deal with my whole need to customize, and make my own forms, about how and when I spend my money, what I eat or want to try cooking, websites to check out later, books and movies, authors, artists, musicians to note... pieces of poetry that float by on billboards and panhandler signs...concerts and booksignings that I may or may not make it to
anyway, I'm a sucker for free shipping, so when Levenger sent me an email about their Circa line going on sale and 2 days left of free shipping, I had to google and see if I could find it cheaper, no luck finding it cheaper, but whoa!!! there's a whole bunch of people who share my obsession!!
http://notebookism.com/
http://ducly.wordpress.com/
http://www.moleskinerie.com/
http://www.diyplanner.com/node/2751
http://www.flickr.com/photos/chet_pics/sets/72157594462900130/
http://www.chetscorner.com/chatter/index.php?cat=36
http://board.43folders.com/index.php
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
1:03AM
i had to pick up fitty from the vet at about 5:30 then do mom stuff then went back to work from like 8 to 11:30 because this seemingly easy assignment I was given turned out to be ridiculously hard, and as I approach my review date in a couple of months, it just sucks.
i hate annual reviews. they're stressful and not nearly as productive as they out to be.
i hate office politics. with a passion.
i really shouldn't sweat it considering most of my colleagues who give me something challenging to live up to are like 15 years older than me, althought they're children are just 3-5 years older than mine. Which confuses me. I don't know why. I think that means that when they were my age, they just barely had babies and toddlers, which means that while they were the age that I was when I started raising toddlers and elementary schoolers, they were ful throttle into their careers unencumbered...
...just what is it that I am trying to talk myself into? Not feeling about about doing grunt work until nearly midnight, fully knowing that its work that won't be appreciated...?
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
i've decided to try posting, with some regularity, my media purchases/indulgence/revisits in the spirit of that Utne Reader column by the same name, or perhaps less ambitious but still akin to Nick Hornby's
Believer column
In the last week or so....
music
- KCRW's "Covers Project" (because that Beyonce cover is just too weird, and the Donny Darko soundtrack is overpriced, even at Amoeba, and Damien Rice and Flaming Lips both covering Radiohead are kinda cool
- Lily Allen's "Allright, Still" (because Wilson kept bugging me about it, and he was right, we listened to it over and over again and on the drive to SF, to the point that Tony thought we were in some crazy circus loop)
- Bloc Pary "Weekend in the City" (because I heard a song on the radio last Thursday and 9:37 am that made me remember my grief over David and their playlist said it was Bloc Party...and it might have been them, but it was the wrong song...
- Ani Di Franco's "Reprieve" because Rockaway had it for like $6.99....and I keep thinking I should be an Ani DiFranco fan...shouldn't I?
books
- "Anne Frank: Diary of a Young Girl" for Tony, as an odd companion to "Catcher in the Rye"
- John Maeda's "Laws of Simplicity" that I eyed, but did not purchase at Henessey & Ingalls while looking for loft revamp ideas, some line about "need to know" versus "nice to know" struck a cord...homeschooling
- Chris Bojhalian's "Double Bind" - heard about on KCRW's Bookworm, picked up in Santa Barbara over the last long holiday weekend, but got buried under piles of things to tend to...wonder when I'll have the luxury of really reading it...
movies/tv
- "Music and Lyrics" and "Accepted" -- fun...funny...but gee...they spend so much money making movies these days...seems like they could do a little bit better...
- "Gilmore Girls" season 3 - gotta love Helen Pai's references to Seventh Day Adventists
- "Newsradio" season 3 - wanted Mia to see Phil Hartman (from "TheSimpons" then got hooked on the show)
podcasts/radio shows
_ Ira Glass' "This American Life" - episode themed "Proxy", profound interview of an Iraqi interpreter for American Soldiers
Monday, March 19, 2007
Saturday, March 17, 2007
1:45AM
I've been on the lookout for stuff for Tony to read and remembered Chris McCandless...
I googled and learned that Sean Penn directed a film about him that is due for release this year.
(which reminds me that I googled Will Estes and learned that he's playing Jack Kerouac in a movie based on "On the Road" that's already been shot.
totally lost my point trying to remember how to link websites...
tired and need to go to sleep...
Sunday, January 14, 2007
I finally caved and agreed to take my son's pleas for homeschooling past the romantic idea phase and into the a one year commitment, and beyond if it works out. He's been working towards becoming a professional skateboarder since he was 8 years old, so we need to find a way to juggle his commitment to skateboarding and my desire for him to be keep the option for college in place...and for him to not miss out on all that knowledge...yeah.
I don't need to be talked into it anymore, but I still am anxious and lost. I've read and researched and have come up with my basic requirements: that he he will receive a high school diploma for an accredited institution, but that the program we are attached to provide as much freedom for he and I to choose his pace as well as the study materials.
Over winter break we experimented, and I had great fun getting documentaries and sciene videos from the library, and assigning him books and essays that I know he would love, but I believe we need something more
structured, and definitely attached to an accredited program.
By searching on the web, I've found Laurel Springs in Ojai. Does anybody know about them? I don't necessarily want a program that is so developed and complete that if I were to include my own study materials, he would be completely overwhelmed. I'd like to find something based in Los Angeles if possible. Any suggestions/recommendations?
*****multiple cross posts*****
I finally caved and agreed to take my son's pleas for homeschooling past the romantic idea phase and into the a one year commitment, and beyond if it works out. He's been working towards becoming a professional skateboarder since he was 8 years old, so we need to find a way to juggle his commitment to skateboarding and my desire for him to be keep the option for college in place...and for him to not miss out on all that knowledge...yeah.
I don't need to be talked into it anymore, but I still am anxious and lost. I've read and researched and have come up with my basic requirements: that he he will receive a high school diploma for an accredited institution, but that the program we are attached to provide as much freedom for he and I to choose his pace as well as the study materials.
Over winter break we experimented, and I had great fun getting documentaries and sciene videos from the library, and assigning him books and essays that I know he would love, but I believe we need something more
structured, and definitely attached to an accredited program.
By searching on the web, I've found Laurel Springs in Ojai. Does anybody know about them? I don't necessarily want a program that is so developed and complete that if I were to include my own study materials, he would be completely overwhelmed. I'd like to find something based in Los Angeles if possible. Any suggestions/recommendations?
*****multiple cross posts*****
Monday, November 13, 2006
9:15AM
damien rice is playing at the el rey tonight...I'm broke or I'd lurk about the sold out show...tomorrow i'll be at amoeba at lunchtime to get my cd....
Sunday, August 20, 2006
but the reality is that there is no time...I suppose I imagine I might get laid up like I did when I broke my knee cap, or the year after Mia was born and I spent all those hours at home. If I had all the things then that I have now, the books and music and craft supplies...wow...I could stay home for months and not run out of things to do...but I would get stir crazy, cuz I love to wander the streets and highways...I could go forever and ever and not get bored...
I drove by Tubtim Siam yesterday...David and my favorite Thai food place back in the day, burst into tears unexpectedly. Its funny how I never got tired of him, I have so little patience with people these days...I need so desperately to be alone, but he did not swallow up my energy in the way that most people do.
I spent a good deal of today with Mia. We barely spoke, watched DVDs separately in opposite sides of the loft, then at bedtime she chatted me up a bit, but overall we really didn't talk much. Sometimes I almost think she's my best friend. She's not, obviously, my friend, but the hours we spend at the library or the beach...we pace nicely. We're looking forward to going to Rosarito for a week. Tony will be with us, but he'll need to skate, and will keep us on our toes. Oddly, Tony is the best company for conversations about relationships and philosophy and stuff like that.
I watched "The Passion of Ayn Rand" today, which reminded me of when David and I took turns reading "Atlas Shrugged" and "The Fountainhead". There's no doubt in my mind that her views seeped deep into my thinking, but I think I have a lot more to weight these days than back when I first read her. I'd like to explore it all again.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
Monday, August 7, 2006
at a wedding, where meeting old friends is inevitable. I went without hesitation, fully knowing of this possibility, despite the fact that I've avoided meeting old friends for quite some time now...old friends from a past that I've left behind anyway...
and when I hugged her, I let the tears flow (I never hold back tears anymore), and I knew that I loved her and missed her, but I also remembered why I wasn't willing to reconnect when people I know who also know her passed me her phone numbers along the way...people thought that we could relate over the deaths of our respective mates...I feel that this common experience actually illuminates the differences in our choices, our beliefs...all that, and this is what I'm avoiding....coming out...of sorts...that I don't regret my choices at all, that though I mourn the death of my father's children, I have ultimate faith that his existence and death were/are imbued with meaning, and purpose lessons, and importance...that these choices and lessons were chosen by me along my path to deeper spiritual lessons...
...but the issue of outing myself has somewhat come to the surface. As an anology of sorts, one might argue that a gay person should in theory never have to tell their platonic friends and loved ones of their sexual preferences...afterall, if you're not going to have sex with someone, why should they have to know your preferences? Okay, not that I've said that "out loud" I see all the holes in the logic. People need to know because the assumption of heterosexuality is surrounded by a million more assumptions....so...
i suppose when you grow up in a community of belief, and you've lived a certain lifestyle...there are assumptions about your continued practice of, adherence to, and belief in certain principles...so when you step out of that realm, are you required to notify people that you're no longer in their group...if you love and respect and cherish them all, are you obligated to tell them...
i just googled "seventh day adventist and backsliders"...apparently there are 26 types of us! it's so sad, but i've lived in the shadow of that term "backslider"....I suppose i have a romantic notion that an evolution of belief has a healthy history of words like "heretic" and "martyr", and Tony and I have had conversations about the the Protestant Reformation, and myriad of Christian denominations that stem from the various theological interpretations...I've lived comfortably with Ken Wilbur's "transcend and include" from the moment I heard it (interesting google find: http://www.zeek.net/jay_0401.shtml ), so I don't usually feel like I've betrayed the seeds of faith that were planted in me as a child...yet...am I obligated to say "I've stepped out of this box....I can no longer exist in it" ? Do I need to say to my SDA friends and family that I am not SDA? It think the main reason I don't say it is, well aside from not wanting to undermine anyone's faith, I really don't think I could explain why without revealing some really personal things about myself that I may not be willing to share...
(whoa...another interesting google find: http://www.truthorfables.com )
...I'm tired and need to sleep.
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